


a treasure lost, I can't replace

by herwhiteknight



Series: Born From The Universe [9]
Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon Compliant (Mostly), F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Pre-Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-07
Updated: 2018-04-07
Packaged: 2019-04-19 17:12:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14241999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/herwhiteknight/pseuds/herwhiteknight
Summary: Cosima's dying, and they both know it.





	a treasure lost, I can't replace

**Author's Note:**

> Day 35 of 365.

_If she touches you, she dies._

Cosima had said something, once. Something that was probably supposed to be hopeful, but instead just left Sarah with an ache in her gut that she tried to hide behind knife-sharp smiles. “I need to know you’ll be okay, Sarah. When I’m gone, if we can’t find a cure-”

Sarah’d just kissed her then. To shut her up. It wasn’t something she wanted to talk about - ever. That her lover, that her sisters, that everyone - _fuck_.

“It’s the universe, you know?” she’d said, her hands sweeping over their heads and painting the stars above their bed. “It’s infinite and we’re here, we’re on earth and… it all has to end, someday. We have to keep the universe going, matter and molecules floating and mixing together, reusing and replacing energies…”

“You can’t say that Cos,” Sarah growled roughly, her voice thick with tears, “You can’t say that. You’ll be here. No one else matters, love.” They’d kissed again, but even the feel of Cosima’s lips trailing down her body couldn’t drown out the screams in Sarah’s mind.

Cosima would have to leave her eventually. She’d leave even though they said that she’d fight, that they _both_ would - they’d fight together to keep the life they’d built as a family. They’d fight, if only to ignore the impending shadows that hovered over them both.

Cosima didn’t know the demons that haunted Sarah - not that Sarah hadn’t tried to explain. But the words in her mouth turned to oil and just clogged her chest, made it hard to breathe until there wasn’t anything left to do but cling to Cosima’s arm and sob into her chest, with the distant realization that she knew now that Cosima felt this way _everyday._

_If you keep this up, it’ll just end in tragedy._

Cosima had tried to tell her, with her words, her actions - _god,_ her overflowing, elegant way of moving through life - that it wasn’t Sarah’s fault. That Sarah had done nothing but fight for the sisters since the very first day. Cosima believed in her - it was nice little platitude that bloomed somewhere deep within the valves of Sarah’s heart. Before the thorns settled in.

Cosima could tell her all the lies she wanted about how Sarah kept them together, how they never would have made it this far without her. But Sarah knew better. She’d poisoned the love of her life, just by touching her.

She poisoned everyone.

_Just leave before she leaves you._

_Do you_ want _to see her die?_

_Because that’s what will happen if you stay. You know that._

Sarah fought her demons for as long as she could. She had her daughter’s trust back, her mum and Felix and even her grudging respect of Alison and Krystal and the others. And Helena. _God,_ even if she _wanted_ to discredit the others, she could never discredit Helena. They had that connection. She wouldn’t sever their bond for anything.

Would she?

_Cosima_ is _dying. You can’t stand that. You need to leave._

But, Cosima was the _one reason_ above anything else that she _had_ to stay. Cosima, her rock, her tether, her confidant. Someone who understood her heart. The joke had been, once, that it was because their anatomy was the same - but quickly dismissed once the feelings ran deep into their veins, falling for each other in synchronicity.

Like the universe had written it in the stars themselves.

It was an idea that Sarah had scoffed at for so long. “The universe, Cos. Really,” Sarah had rolled her eyes, as Cosima captured Sarah’s finger and traced the spiral along her forearm, like so long ago. It made Sarah ache for simpler times. When people she loved weren’t injured or lost forever.

“ _Yes,_ the universe, Sarah,” Cosima stressed, “Science is too precise most of the time for things to just happen on accident!”

“Most of them time? An’ what about the _other_ ‘some’ of the times?”

“Human error,” Cosima said quietly, her hand going still over Sarah’s, and Sarah could feel the fearful tremor running through Cosima’s whole body. Everything seemed to still as Cosima held her breath for a long moment. “Sarah, if I can’t find the cure, I-”

Sarah didn’t kiss her this time, just grabbed her shoulders and pulled her in tight, muffling the rest of her words against Sarah’s shoulder. “You don’t get to leave me, Cos. Not now, or ever. Y’hear me?”

Cosima couldn’t speak, but she nodded against Sarah’s shoulder anyway. She cried herself out a few hours later and fell asleep in Sarah’s arms. After carrying her to bed and tucking the blankets around her, Sarah left.

_It’s her weakness that made you leave. She wasn’t supposed to tell you that she wouldn’t make it. You always_ knew _that she wouldn’t make it._

_But hearing her say it? That was too much, wasn’t it?_

_Besides, she’s already touched you. She’s already been_ with _you._

_It’s inevitable, her fate._

Sarah knew that she should stay. Sarah knew that something in her wanted to stay. _Needed_ to stay. It was Cosima. She had to. She just couldn’t let Cosima go through that shite without her.

But as much as she knew that she should, knew that she wanted, knew that she _needed_ … her feet still pulled her away. Her hands packed a bag, her arms slung her life around her shoulders and her legs took her away.

_Don’t stay for her. You’re just going to make it worse._

_You’ve touched her. Now, she dies._

“If the universe really is just life recycling itself like you told me once,” Sarah said to herself, pulling her hood up, not looking back at the home she’d built with Cosima as much as she wanted to, _needed_ to look back. “Then maybe you’ll find me again. Somewhere. In another life.”

But Sarah knew better than anyone what bullshit that was, set out for those hopeful enough to make a difference. Set out for people like Cosima. And recycled or not, existing in another life or not, the Cosima Sarah knew, the Cosima that Sarah loved, the one that Sarah was walking away from, would never exist in Sarah’s world.

Not ever again.

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this fic to be just be something within canon and that was it, but... well. Then Vessel 'verse themes kept cropping up and _continued_ to crop up throughout the fic, and, well. By the time I reached the end I had landed on the decision that this would, in fact, fit into the 'verse as something like antecedent action to the actual 'verse, if you will. 
> 
> I don't know if I'll build into this world more - I honestly don't know what's going on half of the time in this 'verse at all - but there's some Interesting Plot Potential here, so. Who knows.


End file.
